Although we can consciously recognize the lack of love and our unhappiness within our family of origin, it is unlikely that we will be able to see the ways and behaviors that we have adopted to face and manage them.
It is much more likely that you will see your adult behaviors as deriving from your innate personalities rather than considering the various traits as answers learned within an environment that has formed us.
Many of your own ways of acting and reacting – could be fear of being rejected, difficulty in talking about yourself, panic when you are at the center of someone’s attention, difficulty in trusting others, how he always blames himself when things go wrong – they are, in fact, attributable to those experiences he had in childhood.
The biggest effect on each daughter is her insecure attachment style which reflects both her shortcomings in managing emotions and her unconscious patterns of considering how people behave in relationships; having a mother full of narcissistic traits can lead to any of the three insecure styles that are anxious-worried, fearful-avoidant and contemptuous-avoidant.
Being raised by a mother full of narcissistic traits leaves a lasting influence on a daughter.
- You are evaluated for how you are perceived, not for who you are
The mother full of narcissistic traits sees her children as nothing but extensions of herself, and she is therefore fully committed to ensuring that they reflect her personality and characteristics. He worries enormously about appearances and very little that children get results for what they actually did. The child who does not follow this program will become a scapegoat and ostracized.
2. Love is conditioned and can be reversed
What passes through love in the domain of the narcissistic mother is praise and attention, and both depend on the fact that the daughter continues to “reflect” the mother well, even in adulthood. Since this mother sees love as something to be earned, she feels perfectly comfortable revoking it if a daughter disappoints her. Of course, the daughter grows up believing that love is nothing more than a transaction that requires counterparts and, moreover, forces you to look over your shoulder.
3. To belong, you must respect the rules
Since the narcissistic mother requires her children to present themselves as she imposes, bankruptcy is not acceptable. Many daughters understandably become very fearful of failure and, consequently, are unable to face challenges; they are aiming for low and safe goals. Others, intent on collecting the praises of their mothers, aim high and sometimes make it but, in the end, do not attribute to themselves what they have achieved or of which they have come into possession; outwardly winners, inside they feel false or cheating.
There are always “insiders” and “outsiders”
The world the child sees is filtered from the mother’s point of view; there are winners and losers, people who are within its special orbit, those who are outside of it who have no status and value.
The mother full of narcissistic traits is with her favorite children, putting one child against the other, observing how each one works to attract attention. It is not surprising that the daughter grows up believing that this is how the world works in general and that all relationships follow these same patterns. Do you think that one is always chosen to be part of the team, starting with that of the mother, or destined to remain outside it.
4. Verbal abuse is always to be expected and manipulation is the norm
All children assume that what happens in their home happens everywhere, and the daughter of a narcissistic mother is no different in this. For her it will usually be normal not only the behavior of the mother who puts one child against another, making it a scapegoat, designating winners and losers, but also the way in which she addresses her.
5. Nicknames, derision and manipulations are usually part of this mother’s repertoire
It is the way she keeps her children in line, and the daughter becomes unable to recognize verbal abuse. This predisposes her to consider these toxic behaviors normal in other relationships in her life, both as a young person and in adulthood.
It is not unusual for a daughter marginalized by a narcissistic-rich mother to end up with a lover or consort who treats her the same way.
Until a girl tackles the behaviors determined by the mother’s narcissism, even with the help of a therapist, this will continue to have a disastrous influence on her life, concludes the scholar.